Something borrowed
January 15, 2012
Tonight I am alone, for the first time in a long time. It was not requested and I have fought against it, through endless dinner parties and birthday parties and catching ups and party after party after film night to rest for more parties. I’d craved aloneness, without knowing that very craving was why I was hiding in the abyss of others. My secret self was dreading it, as perhaps it knew (It always does), what it might bring. Self reflection is terrifying, always. But sitting calmly, doing only that which I love and understand, alone, I wonder how I could avoid for so long the thing which keeps me sane, slightly together, not toppling off cliffs of uncertainty- suddenly I crave perfect stasis and wish to remain now, forever. I have been hiding from everything in the maze of a social network I care little for- stalking and rendering rather than engaging in any meaningful way with myself or others. I had become lost in the dirge of my own boredom with myself. But tonight I am quiet and filled with silent hope for more quiet.
So I’ve finally given myself the time to acknowledge that, we are always, of course, ourselves- no-one can make us that which we are not. It’s so easy to blame others for our grievances- when our peace is disturbed, the search for intruders begins, but more often than not, there is nothing there- just broken promises we made and forgot, made and forgot. I could easily blame anybody else for my disappointment at not having this peace earlier- commitments, my partner, my friends, technology, the burden of social contracts which make me feel as though I must always be a ready, willing, slavering participant in my own life- an endless parade of banners telling you that if you rest for even a second you are failing to realise your potential- NO SPECTATORS. IF YOU’RE NOT LIVING ON THE EDGE YOU’RE TAKNG UP SPACE. GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nobody said you had to pay attention to the screaming lunacy of the masses, though it’s easy to say you can’t help it.
Have the courage to tell everyone to go to Hell.
